“Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
if I stay there will be trouble,
if I go there will be double.
So come on and let me know,
Should I stay or should I go???” – The Clash, songwriters
If you are currently alienated from your family of origin or your spouse, chances are you are all too familiar with the emotions Shocked and Stunned. Being lied to, doubled-crossed, bull-baited and gas-lighted in unhealthy family is what being supported, loved, listened to and nurtured is in a healthy family. It’s just the way the unhealthy family operates. It’s the “system” they have adopted to survive, passed down through the DNA. And you know how people cling to their “systems.”
And I have some good news for you. You can relax now. Because once you understand and accept that is the way this unhealthy family considers “normal” you have everything you need to know to live your best life around them.
Oh, boy, what do you mean? I mean, if you cease trying to correct it, to” help” them, to get justice… you actually stand a fighting chance. Still don’t get it? In the unhealthy family, if they say “turn left,” your best bet is “turn right.” Yep, now you are catching on. Flip everything. Of course, they will probably get wise and throw in the occasional truth, just for fun.
And, oh boy, those Narcissists LOVE to have their fun with you, right?
The thing is, if it’s not readily clear to you already, you are living in the unhealthy family’s “World.” You are in their House and you are just a player. Picture it like this: That is like driving to Atlantic City, stepping into the Casino of your choice and laying your money down. You are in the game, you are invested. And as the saying goes, and the math statistics will uphold as true:
The House always wins.
I see my clients wrestle with lots of questions, and emotions of confusion, shame, regret, anger. Why? Why? Why they ask. Questions like “How do I know when to stay or when to go? How do I know if this guy is The One? How do I know if it will work out with my wife?” These are deeply personal. In the end, only the client can decide.
But what I can share are some clues. Like if you feel like you are gambling with your life every day, uncertain what they are going to pull next, secretly excited and ashamed, feeling smaller everyday… chances are, you may be dealing with The House. Truth is some people love this game, the chase, the need to “show something” or “save face.” No judgement here.
Clients come to me because they have or about to make the decision to live a healthier lifestyle. They are tired of playing by House rules and losing their shirt. And they want to play a different game, a game where things aren’t rigged. A game where they can experience support, love, being listened to and nurtured.
Doesn’t sound exciting enough to you? You like hard work? I have more good news for you: even with the best raw materials, relationships take work. Friendship, marriage, business … it all takes work. And when you give in healthy relationships and families, wonderful rewards are reaped. Of course, because you get much better odds that The House will ever extend to you.
It helps to clear your emotions around the subject, to unburden yourself to see clearer. Even though you may be feeling Shocked and Stunned, you could discover something decent to show for it.
In upcoming blogs, I’ll talk more about the “stuff” it takes to create lasting relationships.
Until then, Be the Empowered Essential You,
SusanJoy
SusanJoy Grieco
